My Daughter's Eyes
Dear A,
It’s understandable that you feel sad and lost. You thought he might be the “one.” It’s hard to let that go, even when you know that’s not the case. I think your decision not to call him is a wise one. Don’t forget he too must put this behind him. Writing him a letter when you send what he left behind is a good idea. You have time to consider what to say and how to say it. There may have been and still be love. Perhaps it’s love for a friend rather than a romantic love.
You feel that love, if it was there at all, is fleeting. A life truth is that all things are fleeting. Childhood, teen years, college days, being 20, 30, 40, 50, and beyond are all here today and gone tomorrow. Some loves are fleeting and for the moment only, others last forever. A mother’s love is forever, the bond between siblings lasts forever, and some friendships last a lifetime while others seem to fade just as you begin really knowing each other. The same goes for love and lovers. My love for your father will survive simply because we share a common bond…children and now a grandchild. The romantic love left years and years ago, but I still care deeply for him even though we’re divorced.
In my whole life, I’ve loved very few people outside of family and a few dear friends. I love Sandi even though we no longer are in contact with each other. She is the childhood friend who came to my fifth birthday party carrying a gift of faux pearls wrapped with a bow on top. We were there for each other when the birth of first babies brought joy and frustration into our lives. She saw me through the difficult years of losing a mother, a failing marriage, separation, and divorce. She looked into my soul when it seemed no one else could see the bleeding and stopped it. She encouraged me to move beyond the norm and be what I wanted to be. She was in many ways my heroine.
A dear friend and kindred spirit, MJ is someone I love and hold fast. She is my co-hort in crime and punishment. I can talk with her about anything and she does the same. Even when my path took me in a new direction she remained a friend when so many fled from a crumbling life. An adventure on the east coast turned into tragedy for her, but she remained a staunch supporter of my decision to move and begin a new life.
I will always love Alan because he was there for me at a time when I felt I had no one. He taught me to take chances, to open myself up to the possibilities but leave the expectations behind. He laughed with me, cried with me and I did him, too. He was and is a dear friend even though his circumstances changed. He is the one who told me…”Friends come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” I believe Alan’s friendship came to me for a reason, but I love him no less for it.
Sometimes we carry a love around with us that’s like an anchor in our hearts. It keeps us heavy with want and yearning. This is a love that we can’t wish away no matter how hard we try, yet is not as tangible as we desire. I loved D, but the love we shared was so ephemeral that it’s hard to imagine it anymore. I carried a torch for years for a high school beau, but it eventually faded and I now wonder why I wasted all those years yearning. I had affairs without love. Each one remembered clearly, but with the knowledge that love did not play a part in why we came together.
I sometimes think I’m in love with someone I’ve never met. The emotional storm lurks beneath the surface, but is this love? I don’t know and I won’t until I take the next step to be open to the possibilities.
Love is no small thing, romantic or otherwise. I have no doubts; you will find romantic love in your life. You’re beautiful, bright, and witty. You think about your actions and then work to change what does not suit or seem right. You’re lovable and loving, even though at times you think you aren’t. You will never find the perfect man because he does not exist. The knight in shining armor will never ride up to you door because you must become the knight that rescues you.
I know you’re hurting, I know you feel less than happy right now, but this too shall pass. You will find love as long as you’re open to the possibilities of discovering love with unabashed, cheesy, glorious, heart wrenching feelings of romance and passion. From this will stem the abiding love that seeks out and fills your soul with joy and sorrow because having one without the other is impossible. Daughter of my heart… you will be loved.
Love You to the moon and back…
Mom
The Musings of Isabella Gladd 